the answer

I looked in God’s eye and saw the answer
nothing is accidental
I was made this way on purpose.
Every mishap, every accident was the shaping of my clay
so that I could see both sides at once.
innocence and corruption
life and death
love and hate.

But where are the words to explain
I wrestle with words like a boa constrictor
the harder I try to shape them to what I want to say
the more they take hold and strangle me.

Always in my head are voices whispering
all the ways for my words to be misunderstood.
I choke . . . fear, anger, hate beckon
reminders of my first attempts to speak
to write
of the turmoil inside
still a stain
a scar
a wound never spoken
never healed
. . .
The boa constrictor is winning
Silence falls
time passes . . . feeling dead
But I am not dead.

I looked in God’s eye and I saw the power
it was terrifying
it took me years to even look
but now I know God was always there
with me
reminding me
to laugh
to love
to breath
no matter all those who misunderstood my happiness
victims aren’t supposed to laugh, smile be happy
so I must be lying.

They are trapped in their own small minds
I can be free if I let them go.
Leave them behind in the
graves they dug
for my heart, my soul, my words
Let them have the tombs
they made for me
tombs made of words, labels, prejudice.

I looked in God’s eye and saw infinity
infinite universe
infinite diversity
infinite love
infinite joy
. . . .
is that perverse?

I looked in God’s eye and I saw ecstasy
so beautiful no earthly pleasure can compare.
When two people come together

to celebrate the joy of being alive
having sex
and God smiles
feeling thanked for the gift of life
blessed be.

When sex happens
by force, by coerscion, by fear
strong dominating weak
God weeps
from inside the victims
for he is always there
living in their hearts
there is no crime that you can commit against another
without commiting it against God
male, female, animal, vegtable, mineral
God is in all
God feels it all
We have been given free will
the choice is ours
to love life and each other
to hate life and others
hurting ourselves more than anyone else has the power to hurt us.

I looked in God’s eye and saw wrath
the desire to destroy the evil
punish the sinful and cleanse the world
earthquakes, tsunami, hurricanes, floods
anything to stop the pain
the pain never sleeps.

I looked in God’s eye and saw peace
There is no need to destroy the world
Humans are doing that just fine on our own
And though the hateful, hurtful will perish
because they are stuck in the material, earthly world.
Money, fame, physical strength are transitory,

There is no need for the loving and giving to fear
Love transcends this world
it cannot be lost
compassion is the currency of heaven
it heals, it strengthens, it grows, it flourishes

Practice compassion, fill your heart with love
stretch yourself, open your mind,
believe in yourself
and have faith that there is an answer

keep asking, keep looking,
there is always more to learn.
Those that find joy in serving another,
they are the beloved of God
and though their bodies may die
they shall live on in the heart of God
that is true
“life everlasting.”

I looked in God’s eye and saw hope
each and every person can look
and see what I have seen
they can know what I know
It is up to them to find the courage
to look in God’s eye and see for themselves.
What is your answer? Why are you here?
Only you can ask, only you can know?

I looked in God’s eye and saw that I was here to tell my story
I was filled with fear and shame
I will be laughed at
I will be misunderstood
I must come to terms with my past failures
I must forgive myself, somehow
It hurts so much when the ones you love,
are the ones who refuse to believe you.
I must wrestle the boa constrictor,
of words so easily misunderstood,
I hope I have learned enough
from my lessons in the past
to write the words as they need to be written,
to be understood by those ready to understand
the answer.


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