I admit to being moody, swinging from silly and cheerful to sullen and brooding. Over the years I’ve searched for the key, how to be who I want to be. I want to be kind, cheerful and hard-working. Yet too many days, I wake up and don’t want to get out of bed. I’ve analyzed these times from every angle. Three truths I have found out about me.
First is that these times are always preceded by an unexpected roadblock. Either some problem I’m not sure how to deal with physically, like our furnace not working, or that tree I don’t know what to do with or an unexpected guest who needs a place to stay, or it is an emotional bump that interferes with my internal sense of well being, like being reminded of family scars that never healed or dreaming about trying to save dying babies. (There was one just last night, it held my fingers so tight, but its little lungs could not breath right.)
The second thing, I have found is that avoiding the issue just makes my period of moodiness take longer to get through. The quicker I can form a plan to deal with physical problems the sooner I can get back to being who I want to be. Even if it’s only “I can’t deal with this now, I will deal with this next week or next month,” it is amazing how helpful it is just to designate a particular time to deal with the unexpected. Of course it only works because I know I will face the problem at the time I appoint for myself. Surprisingly, I often find an answer often pops up before the deadline. For emotional upsets though, planning doesn’t help. Instead, crying and writing or drawing are necessary. I am very lucky in that, once I share a feeling, just believing I am being heard, it is enough to lighten my heart and return me to the state where, with a little patience, the third truth can pull me out of my gloom.
Hope is my key to healing and to being who I want to be. Believing that life is full of the most amazing array of miracles, knowing that I need only be responsible for my own happiness and no one else’s and best of all, forgiving myself for being a human who falls down a lot, these are my internal medicines that keep the seeds of hope and love blooming ever stronger. (Some time spent away from people, in the garden is extremely helpful too.)