Saturday was the full moon in Cancer, which put me in mind that now is the time to “reflect” on the past month and look to the next.
Undeniably, the best thing that happened this last month is what didn’t happen. My severely autistic son didn’t have a single seizure. (Sorry, I never mentioned his being epileptic.) No matter what else I do, taking care of him is my first job. He likes getting up early and finding me typing away. But then he is always happiest when I stay in one place, am available to him and in a good mood. We share sweet tea with milk and giggles at four am. This is my bliss.
After that, writing again is my biggest personal accomplishment. I feel like I have been waiting for years for everything to line up. Not just me realizing I’ve had enough little tries, and deciding to go for my dream, but things all around me pulling towards this future. Like this broken shoulder which makes everything else I do incredibly frustrating, and all the other ways I’ve tried writing online that never felt right. All the different times I’ve tried to share my weird dreams, but there was never enough time to explain it all, nor could I reach more than a few somewhat interested people.
And then there’s the money, which kept me ever on edge. While the federal government gives money to my son for his care, those of us who care for him get nothing. It’s been quite a struggle. After all these years my mother finally said she wants to help financially, so I can be with my son. And thanks to the tireless prodding of one sister and months of searching by another, we found a home for my mother that is affordable, suitable to her needs and best of all run by loving and kind couple who authentically felt right. Only now I can accept the money without fear or shame. She was my first reader and would love to see me get published as much as I would.
Next is how wonderfully well this website WordPress works. My daughter recommended it to me when I asked about blogging sites. I was quite uncertain and confused, there is too much out there for a web-wader (not surfer) like me. I have thoroughly enjoyed the Blogging 101 class. I think we had about a hundred students from all over the world. It kept me from being too overwhelmed, trying to figure out everything at once. Each day I would try one new thing and that was cool.
Last though is the dream, I have felt so haunted by, for the last eight and a half years. I never before told anyone about my dreams until after the stuff happened. Years of guilt followed Nine-eleven, and the Indian ocean tsunami of 2004. Nor did I speak about the voice that told me things I could not normally know. The 2008 Sichuan earthquake and 2011 Tohoku tsunami filled my being with cold the day before they happened. I don’t know if I can describe how it feels, knowing people are going to die, hearing others cry, the earth itself saying why. It feels horribly wrong and yet . . . it all makes sense. We are all connected, the earth too. That was how the dream felt. Only this time I have a guess when, and clues to where. Things I lacked before. Believe me, I want to be wrong. I want to change this. I want this all to end up the ground work for a great fictional novel. But I’d be damned if I said and did nothing. Seven hundred and nine days more should give me plenty of time to explain.
Next month I hope to work on continuity, choosing what to blog with a little more flow than last month. I also want to cut the pieces shorter and if my arm is willing draw more pictures.
Thanks for reading. Love to all.